How To Get Affection from Boys: 2 Fail-Proof Methods

7:08 PM


I’m a pretty tactile expresser of human emotion. In fact, I’m captain of the Kiss-Greeting squad. In business meetings, I have to concentrate with all my might not to greet clients and associates with a kiss (I’m not always successful at exercising this restraint may I add).

For other women like me who like to shop their kisses and cuddles all over town and who sometimes meet resistance from significant male members of their tribe, I would like to share two methods of attack that should bring them the most success ... and the most smooches.

Method 1

It’s probably no surprise that I kiss and cuddle my kids approximately 100 times each every day. I can’t help it. I feel fairly compelled to slobber my affection all over my friends’ babies also, but try to restrict myself to a peck or two on the top of their bald little heads to avoid mentally scarring them before they’ve even learned who this crazy cling-on lady is.

My son is five and a while back, I realised that in the next few years, the bigger and older it gets, he will probably get embarrassed and possibly a little grossed out by my need to kiss his little face. I’ve tried to combat that by brainwashing him now, “Will you still let me kiss and cuddle you when you get older?” “Yes Mum.” “Even when you’re much bigger?” “Yes Mum. Even when I’m really old. Even when I’m 25!”

However, I’m no fool. I know he wouldn’t be the first guy to promise a girl ‘forever’ and actually mean ‘for as long as I need you to provide me with accommodation, meal preparation and sympathy’. So I have thought long and hard and have come up with a way to ensure I can continue my (possibly annoying) propensity to demonstrate my motherly adoration of my boy long into the future.

Are you ready?

The secret is to make affection sound like something hideous and violent. It may sound ridiculous and unnecessary but don’t shoot the messenger; I don’t make up the rules. That’s just how boys roll, ok?

I’ve tested my theory thusly -

Me: I am going to cuddle and kiss you until your brain oozes out your ears, your eyeballs explode and your boogers shoot out your nose!

Son: Yay! DO IT!!!!

Seriously mothers, write that one down. It’s a winning strategy. Fail proof.

Method 2

Now, I must stress the above method works best if the target of your (appropriate level of parentally platonic) affection is of your loins.

Best you try another tack if you are after physical affection from a male specimen (of the hetero sub-species) who is not blood-related to you or in your care.

Warning: if the affection you crave is more of the lickable variety (and I don’t mean to clean a spot of breakfast off his face), an alternative must be sought.

In these circumstances, violence and duress is not so effective (unless, as two consenting adults that’s what floats your boats, in which case: god speed). In fact, in these circumstances, no epiphany or advice from me is required. In these circumstances, simply go back to the tried and true, bleeding obvious and show him your boobs.


You Might Also Like

3 comments