It Aint So but It Should Be: 20 Ideals in a Perfect World

5:03 PM


Some say everything happens for a reason. My mum is one of them. And to be fair, she has been proven right about this on just about every disaster of my life. On reflection, it's probably more the power of positivity that shapes this attitude than the power of destiny.

The people I admire most – and most aspire to be like - are those whose positivity cannot be extinguished for very long no matter what gets hurled at them while travelling this long and windy mortal coil.

But, let’s just forget that height of enlightenment for a moment shall we. Every now and then, we all need to have a moment my sister would call “would-a, could-a, fuckin should-a”, where we reflect on the ideal state of play in a perfect world that for the most part, just aint so:

1. Organised religion should be run by people like that elderly woman who was on the Ellen Show and said: “I gotta be honest; I believe in Jesus but I drink a little.”

2. If someone offers you a donut and you decline, your body should reward you by automatically dropping a kilo.

3. If you are seriously on-deadline-and-the-computer-just-died-and-lost-4-hours-of-my-work stressed and you eat an entire packet of Lolly Gobble Bliss Bombs there should be no associated weight gain (or dental emergencies).

4. The good should never die young. If there is a universe death quota that needs to be met, the onus should fall on aging rock stars who have been playing Russian roulette with their lives for decades.

5. Every home should have a tardis cupboard to store all household crap. Ditto a tardis toybox.

6. Reality program judges, producers and mentors should not be ugly on the inside.

7. Men should pick up their stuff.

8. A man’s sexual peak is at 18; a woman’s is 35. (Solution: girls, find yourself a younger man and meet in the middle).

9. The portion of TV programming you actually want to watch (ie. the shows) should be louder than the ads.

10. Neckties should be illegal.

11. The working week should end at midday on Friday. Bring back the death penalty for colleagues who arrange Friday afternoon meetings.

12. Folks who refer themselves as “mummy and daddy” to their animals should take a good hard look at themselves.

13. Every home should have a Silo of Silence that descends from the ceiling when required and allows those inside to either amuse themselves safely or reflect on any wrong doing on their part and right-doing on yours while you put your feet up and take some time out with Oprah over a cuppa (this works equally as well for partners as it does children).

14. Fruit should taste like chocolate.

15. It should be physically impossible to lose weight off your boobs before your thighs.

16. Root canal should come with an entire head epidural.

17. Under-arm bowling in cricket. New Zealand should just get the fuck over it.

18. Famous Kiwis. Australians should stop claiming them. (never!)

19. Meredith should just marry McDreamy and they both should just live happily ever after in a land far far away, never to be heard of again. The end.

20. Starvation and over-eating should not be concurrent, tragic crises on the same planet.


Got a Should-a you want to get off your chest?


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